Finding Balance

How balanced is your life? For me finding balance in my life has been an ongoing struggle. Especially while trying to navigate early sobriety. The issue has always been finding ways to fill in the hours that I'm no longer spending drinking. Suddenly I'm left with space. Space to learn, space to heal, to play, to explore, to contemplate, space to cry, space to reflect, and space to dwell on things unnecessary. The positives and the negatives. What I chose to do with this space is of the utmost importance. I'm changing. I'm changing my life with the activities and actions I chose to fill my space. I'm rewriting my story, rewriting the future and the hours and minutes I have are my life.

In those moments I found myself doing a whole slew of things. Mostly, I found myself trying to once again escape. I was trying to escape the loneliness, my thoughts, my emotions. I was completely avoiding sitting with myself. I was living life alcoholically and this wasn't readily apparent to me until one day I notice that I was completely exhausted, overwhelmed, and wrung out. I was going to multiple 12-step meetings a day, joined two homegroups, was doing service work 24/7, giving rides to new-comers, baking all hours of the night and day. I was taking and filling baking orders and putting unreasonable demands on myself for the turn-around time. I was burnt out and craving a bottle of something real strong. I didn't understand why I had the urge to drink, I had been working my program, I was doing all the things that were suggested of me. A phone call to my sponsor brought me back to reality. I was living life alcoholically. I was still chasing the escape that I found in the bottle. As long as I keep moving, I won't have to deal with myself. I needed to restructure things. I needed to take a step back and ease off the gas. I needed to get my priorities straight. I had to ask myself what I needed and what I wanted on a daily basis. I love going to the gym, but I hadn't gone in months. I love to write in my journal, take long baths, prepare and eat nourishing food. I did zero self-care. I was living in self-created chaos. I made a lot of changes. I looked at each day and I planned the non-negotiables for me. I commit to 5 meetings a week. I plan time for the gym 3 days a week. I don't say "yes" to every request. I bake orders on my time, when I can get it done without running myself ragged. And in the moments that I give myself space...I learn who I am as a sober woman. Remember on your tombstone there will be two dates, the date you were born and the date that you pass. What matters most is the dash between those dates because that's your one precious life. Live with intention, purpose, love and service because you are worth it.