Fear

"Fear"-a basic, intense, and often unpleasant emotion aroused by the detections of imminent threat, danger, or pain, triggering a physiological fight or flight response.

This is the Webster's dictionary of fear. If I asked myself if I lived my life in fear, the answer would emphatically be "no". Of course I don't...what is there to be afraid of on a constant daily basis? But what I have come to find is that this emotion affected my life far more than I ever realized. What I have learned through years of therapy, prayer, and step-work is that I live and have lived most of my life in fear. And I'm not talking about fear of some extreme, unexpected life or death situation, but the persistent perceived idea of not being good enough. Since a young child I never felt as though I "fit in" and that is because I didn't. I was a tomboy, I loved wearing boy clothes, getting dirty, running around the neighborhood. I grew up in the late 80's, early 90's. I knew I was different. I will always remember the hot shame that swept over me when I was mistaken for a boy or when I knew I had disappointed my parents in some way. My defense mechanism was to people please, to over achieve, to wear whatever mask you asked me to wear that day and to wear it to the best of my ability. I was never true to myself, I never knew who I truly was. I learned to act and react in life in this way for decades. I needed to be bigger than my perceived shortcomings and I was going to prove it to the world. I knew there was no way you would accept me for my genuine real self. I was separated from God and separated from myself. As I got older I experienced plenty of life on life's terms and I began to prostitute my trauma for my disease of alcoholism. That's a tough place to be in. I learned that I could only be the victim in my story for so long, until I became the perpetrator of my own abuse. I lived my life in constant fear of judgment and fear of rejection. Even after deciding to get sober the hardest thing I have had to do was sit down with myself and take a good hard look. I wasn't being honest with anyone in my life including me and I had gotten so lost I had no idea where to even begin. Through years of therapy, 12 step-work and plenty of relapses, I finally let go. The hard work began in the basement of my rock bottom. I had to look at myself from every different angle. Every different version of myself. I was going to die and at the time that seemed like a pretty good option. I couldn't live with that version of myself anymore. Not one more day. I'm extremely grateful that I received the help that I desperately needed. I did kill myself. I killed every version of me that wasn't truly me. Every false belief I thought of myself, my peers, the world around me and God. Since then, so many blessings have happened in my life. I have met God, my Creator, while in absolute despair. I took one step through that seemingly insurmountable wall of fear. What would happen if I said "fuck it" and stopped allowing others to dictate my every move. What do -I- believe in? Not what I was told to believe, not what I was taught to believe, not what my family wants me to believe in not what my co-workers believe in. What does Shannon believe?

Today I am a completely different person. The only guidance that I look for today is from God and his will for me. He pulled me from the flames and allowed me to know that he made me incredibly beautiful in his own image. He let me feel the pain; he let me go into my pit of despair and the whole time his hand was extended to me. All I had to do was be willing to take hold of it and stand up. With my hand in his I have become who he made me to be and that is knowing that I am good enough. I'm good enough for God and that is enough. My life was waiting for me on the other side of fear. It's not an easy process. It's walking away from people, places, and things that you were once comfortable with. It's having boundaries and saying "no". It's knowing that even in saying "no" you're still worthy. It's knowing when you've had enough and being okay with allowing yourself to rest. It's finding your own tastes in music, food, and politics. I am under no expectation that everyone will like me or want to have a relationship with me and that is absolutely fine. We can all be our true unique genuine selves and live a happy and fulfilling life beyond our wildest dreams.

With all of that being said, try having

a quiet moment today and ask yourself how much of your life are you living for you and how much of it is for everyone around you. I promise you that you are good enough. You always were and always will be enough-especially to the one who it matters to the most.